Intriguing Reviews for Books I don't Want

I read a lot of book reviews. These are 50 word descriptions of books, and unlike synopses, they make judgements about how well books are written. Spoilers welcome. They help me decide whether I want to buy books for my collection, and if they're a good fit for my audience. 

Some reviews capture my attention, if only to alert me to the fact that they might not be the fest choice for my budget. Keep reading for this this 10 list of intriguing reviews for books I don't want.

She is resentful of the boys who can't see past her lumpish form, and when she discovers she has a magical ability to cause human figures to step out of the bodies of seals, she calls forth a lover and finds herself with child.

If one is able to suspend all disbelief and believe a 16-year-old runaway would have a Platinum American Express card or haul around stolen espresso machines, then this is really quite a tasty adventure.

It appears that love is central to the quest with escape from Lucifer being the path to achieving this goal.

Throughout this process, Cricket is writing emails to her long-time boyfriend, Janssen; these emails seem to be about how dogs love their humans unconditionally but are also a way for Cricket to sort out her feelings.

In fact, Emma is expelled from school when she reveals the claws she's developed since befriending a talking cat that hangs around their trailer.

Three vessels unexpectedly rendezvous in the middle of the Pacific: a luxury sailing yacht with a wealthy family and crew; a smuggling boat with nothing on it but dead bodies and money; and a small plane sent to bring back the cash.

While well-written, the situation seems exaggerated as every Catholic Teddy interacts with is either abusive or a predator.

Everyone gets a nickname, and thus Nick becauses Nero and joins War Pig, Mr. Bator, Yeltsin, Billy, Idle, Cupcake, Joanjet, Raekwon, Petal, and others in the wilderness outside San Francisco.

The standout secondary characters are Geets Hildbrand, Harold's wall-climbing buddy who brings him Guiness and bananas to toast the dead Bushman; Molly the Dwerg and her not-dog/not-wolf familiar, Wolluf; and Harold's understanding father, who works for the Salami Board.  

Secret passages, canals, and Victorian furnishings drip from every page. 

I'm tempted to insert my own snarky comments after each, but I'm resisting. I welcome yours though...